tiredness

just wanted a place to rant for a moment. how unfair is it on a new mom? not only am i supposed to be recovering physically.. which is a huge undertaking, but i am sleep deprived, my mind won't stop thinking, i am expected to breastfeed (which i want to do, but it is difficult for me, which in turn makes me feel inadequate and guilty/like a failure or there is something wrong with me), i want to have enough time and patience for jamie, i want to just snuggle with billy, i want to clean my house, i want to shower without wondering who needs me/ who's crying, i want to cook, i want to go outside, i want to have an idea of what the day will hold, i want to have a schedule! it's unfair!!!! and tomorrow billy is headed back to work. even though i'm going to have some help, i just want to stay in our house on lockdown with my family until we get all these things figured out. being a new mom is hard.. sigh. just one smile from either of my girls makes it worth it, but WHY does it have to be soo hard? once i make it past these first few weeks/months, i know it will be better.. i think i can, i think i can, i think i can..